Dream Woman

Last night in my dream I met a woman I've never seen before.  We began to talk and she asked me what had taken up my time before meeting her that night. She wanted to know what relationships had defined my 20s and 30s.  Important transitional time, she said.  I reminded her that I had just started my 30s and she told me not to rub it in.

But I woke up shortly after that and started thinking about what had defined my 20s.  I have spent a lot of time and energy grieving a great sorrow and trying to understand why what I'd hoped would define my 20s hasn't.  (Namely, meeting the man of my dreams and starting a family.)

But I started reviewing, and I realized that I learned to salsa, to travel, that there was no reason to be afraid of people who were 'different,' I learned my own capacity to love, my ability to survive thoughtlessness and heartbreak, I met some of my dearest friends, I learned that I am strong and resilient, and also tender and sensitive, I learned to cook and to garden, to say yes, to say no, to stand up for myself, to back down gracefully, I learned what it takes to risk the familiar and carve out brand new paths in my life journey, and then to walk them by myself (largely by myself.  I also learned who my cheerleaders and supporters are)..  I'm sure there's more.

And you know?  Had my life gone the way I planned when I was a teenager (married by 24, baby by 26, etc), even how I still wanted it to go through my 20s, I don't think I would have learned the same things.  I would have learned other important and valuable things, surely, but maybe not those.  And I am grateful.

It truly is hard to understand how everything will shake out in the end, and it is hard to keep holding onto the belief that the right guy is out there and that we WILL find each other, given all the raised and dashed hopes and failed attempts so far.  But I am grateful for all of the fun, self-discovery, and friendships from my 20s.  I have been accused before of being selfish during this time -- spending too much time focusing on myself rather than living for others.  That hurts, but I can't care anymore.  Not everyone understands the bravery it takes to be alone in this world.  To be alone AND continue to hope.

I'm not writing this to gloat about the single life.  I wouldn't have chosen to be still single at 30.  But I don't want to take for granted the blessings and lessons that have come my way while what I've wanted hasn't happened.  Someday I hope to be happily married with a couple of funny kids underfoot -- living as much for them as I am for myself, and I want to look back on my years of being single with fondness and gratitude.

For now, I will continue to be brave, to offer my heart to the world in the hopes that one of these days it won't be handed back to me.  This is the life I've got, and there's a good chance I only get one go at it.  Thank you to the sleepy, dream woman for the chat.